How’s everybody doing? It’s been a while. Sorry about that. I have a few reasons….
One (and probably 85% of the issue)… I’m a horrible blogger. It’s kind of like that meme that says, “I’ll probably be late because of who I am as a person.” That’s me… except, I’d never be late because the thought of being late nearly sends me into a panic attack.
Reason two… I’ve been kind of busy. Kids. Editing. Writing. Husband. blah blah blah. That’ll never change so that’s not really a good reason. So… see reason one again.
Reason three… I have a touch of social anxiety. For the record… this is self diagnosed. I did try to see a doctor about it once but she told me I was probably just shy. Maybe one day I’ll go to a different doctor and try again. Whatever I have, I recognize that it’s not nearly as severe as what many people have to deal with on a daily basis, so I don’t talk about it much aside from sarcastically throwing it into conversations.
My point is that most days my shyness/social anxiety/social awkwardness/general speaking idiocy doesn’t impact my life too much. But there’s never a time where I feel comfortable talking to a stranger or someone I don’t know well. I could desperately want to get to know someone better and never find the courage to grab an opportunity. I’m really not even comfortable around friends–too busy worrying if I will say something wrong or if people will care about what I have to say.
Over the past several weeks, my anxiety has been in overdrive. I think because there have been a lot of changes in my world – some are wonderful and some are not so wonderful. That’s life. I get that. But knowing that doesn’t stop the 2 ton elephant from sitting on my chest and over-analyzing every decision I make regarding how I interact with other people. My anxiety tells me no one will care about what I have to say, what I find funny, the books that I write (HELLO PROMO ISSUES), when I’m sad, when I’ve had a tough day, or when something good happens to me. It makes maintaining friendships difficult for me because I always feel like I’m bothering friends if I text/message them first and then what do I say after ‘how’s it going?’, and opening up to people is difficult because I don’t see why people would care about my problems when they have their own. On the plus side, I’m a fantastic listener! But that can sometimes lead to a lopsided friendship that ends up emotionally draining me if I don’t reach a certain point of comfort quickly enough.
For the record – I have some amazing friends. When my head is clear, it’s easy for me to see that none of those things I just said up there apply to them. Even when my anxiety is flaring up, I can usually compartmentalize enough to know that what I’m feeling, most likely doesn’t apply to my close friends. Not because of me necessarily, but because I know how fuck-awesome my friends are. So, I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I guess I thought that maybe writing it all out would help me stay out of this particular hole I’ve been mucking around in lately. Or perhaps someone will stumble across this and see themselves in my words and know they aren’t alone. *waves*
Anyway, I’m sorry for not being more present – it’s not because I don’t care. I’ve had some really thoughtful readers and reviewers say the most amazing things about Adam and Elijah, and I appreciate it so, so much.
And to my friends (even tho some of you won’t even read this) – thanks so much for sticking with me… even when I flake out and hide for a week because the thought of talking to too many people is overwhelming. Love you bunches. ❤
Also – I just read my last post and apparently I’m just using this as an online journal. SORRY GUYS! I’ll start posting about books soon too. Maybe. I’ll try at least!