New Things

Tomorrow is the first day of school for my kiddos. The oldest is starting third grade (the year the dreaded testing begins), and my twins–my babies–are starting kindergarten.

There’s no doubt in my mind that both are ready for this new thing in their lives. They’re smart, friendly, polite, and independent. I’m so stinkin’ proud of them that I feel as if I’ll burst sometimes. I don’t think I was ever as brave about starting something brand new as they are right now.

“I can’t even wait, Mama.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that phrase over the past several days.

This new thing… it’s a big one. They don’t realize how big yet, and thats probably a good thing. I’ll be the one overwhelmed at how difficult it’s going to be for them to learn not only a new language but also everything else required in kindergarten. I’ll fret over knowing that it’s no longer 98% up to me what goes in their sweet little ears and their innocent, blue eyes. I’ll worry about whether or not Susie and Billy play fair and if the teacher will do something about it if they don’t (she will, btw… she’s awesome), or worse if they’re the ones not playing fair! I’ll mourn over slowly losing bits and pieces of them to their teachers and counselors and friends.

It’s not so bad, really… it happens gradually. You don’t even notice until one day you blink and you have a third grader who thinks he knows everything and sitting in mom’s lap for two minutes is about 118 seconds too long. And who doesn’t want that????

Plus, there are so many things to love about starting school–watching your kids learn something new, how proud they get, seeing them read, hearing about their new friends, the excitement in their voice when they get a good grade or go on a field trip or it’s pizza day.

So tomorrow, when they put on their new outfits and I walk them to their classroom at their new school–the place that they’ll spend more of their time than anywhere else for the next six years–and I hand them over to their teacher–who they’ll spend more time with during the week than me–I’ll try my best not to cry as I give them a big hug and then let them go. They deserve better than that. They deserve to see how much I love them and how excited I am for them to start this new adventure.

I’ll save my tears for after. Probably come home and smell their dirty laundry or something equally gross while I snot-sob everywhere. No matter how ready they are, no matter how excited I am to go grocery shopping by myself and actually have real chunks of uninterrupted time to write, I will mourn. No one needs to tell me  how blessed or fortunate I am that I’ve had three beautiful and healthy and intelligent and happy kids. I know there are so many people who aren’t able to enjoy this miracle, so I try not to complain. But tomorrow I will weep for the loss of what was…

Watch out, world… my babies are coming for you! And I have no doubt in my mind that all three are going to kick some ass and take some names. ❤

(Social) Anxiety and Me

HI!

How’s everybody doing? It’s been a while. Sorry about that. I have a few reasons….

One (and probably 85% of the issue)… I’m a horrible blogger. It’s kind of like that meme that says, “I’ll probably be late because of who I am as a person.” That’s me… except, I’d never be late because the thought of being late nearly sends me into a panic attack.

Reason two… I’ve been kind of busy. Kids. Editing. Writing. Husband. blah blah blah. That’ll never change so that’s not really a good reason. So… see reason one again.

Reason three… I have a touch of social anxiety. For the record… this is self diagnosed. I did try to see a doctor about it once but she told me I was probably just shy. Maybe one day I’ll go to a different doctor and try again. Whatever I have, I recognize that it’s not nearly as severe as what many people have to deal with on a daily basis, so I don’t talk about it much aside from sarcastically throwing it into conversations.

My point is that most days my shyness/social anxiety/social awkwardness/general speaking idiocy doesn’t impact my life too much. But there’s never a time where I feel comfortable talking to a stranger or someone I don’t know well. I could desperately want to get to know someone better and never find the courage to grab an opportunity. I’m really not even comfortable around friends–too busy worrying if I will say something wrong or if people will care about what I have to say.

Over the past several weeks, my anxiety has been in overdrive. I think because there have been a lot of changes in my world – some are wonderful and some are not so wonderful. That’s life. I get that. But knowing that doesn’t stop the 2 ton elephant from sitting on my chest and over-analyzing every decision I make regarding how I interact with other people. My anxiety tells me no one will care about what I have to say, what I find funny, the books that I write (HELLO PROMO ISSUES), when I’m sad, when I’ve had a tough day, or when something good happens to me.  It makes maintaining friendships difficult for me because I always feel like I’m bothering friends if I text/message them first and then what do I say after ‘how’s it going?’, and opening up to people is difficult because I don’t see why people would care about my problems when they have their own. On the plus side, I’m a fantastic listener! But that can sometimes lead to a lopsided friendship that ends up emotionally draining me if I don’t reach a certain point of comfort quickly enough.

For the record – I have some amazing friends. When my head is clear, it’s easy for me to see that none of those things I just said up there apply to them. Even when my anxiety is flaring up, I can usually compartmentalize enough to know that what I’m feeling, most likely doesn’t apply to my close friends. Not because of me necessarily, but because I know how fuck-awesome my friends are. So, I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I guess I thought that maybe writing it all out would help me stay out of this particular hole I’ve been mucking around in lately. Or perhaps someone will stumble across this and see themselves in my words and know they aren’t alone. *waves*

Anyway, I’m sorry for not being more present – it’s not because I don’t care. I’ve had some really thoughtful readers and reviewers say the most amazing things about Adam and Elijah, and I appreciate it so, so much.

And to my friends (even tho some of you won’t even read this) – thanks so much for sticking with me… even when I flake out and hide for a week because the thought of talking to too many people is overwhelming. Love you bunches. ❤

Also – I just read my last post and apparently I’m just using this as an online journal. SORRY GUYS! I’ll start posting about books soon too. Maybe. I’ll try at least!

xoxo

shell